Turbulence

I hate flying. Sometimes I'm not sure why I hate it so much, but when I focus...break it down...think about what goes into the fear, I realize. I'm afraid of dying. I'm especially afraid of dying alone, on a plane, without someone I love. I feel that there is something I'm supposed to accomplish in this life, and I'm still unsure what that is.

Theatre is one place where I don't think about death. There are so few moments when I don't think about death. Since I was 17. Since Kevin. I haven't had a dream about him in months - maybe years. I don't think I remember his voice. I barely remember his mannerisms. He's been dead far longer than I knew him. And yet, his death is probably the defining moment of my life. It has what caused me to fear death. It was what spurs me on to find joy. It is what gave me the strength to leave two unhappy relationships.

I'm looking for pure joy.

Sometimes I see it. I see it in unexpected kindness (a batch of caramel bars from a new friend at work to celebrate the completion of a cleanse, a friend following me from work to Car-X to make sure I made it there alive in a blizzard when my car broke down).

Is it possible to have a life of pure joy? Or are these joys so spectacular because they have been entirely surrounded by the stress of this job, these break-ups, this family upheaval, so much change?

I want unconditional, romantic love. I want someone who thinks about me every minute - I don't want to be the one who always makes the first move, always thinks about the other person and how they feel and how they might react to anything and what might bring them joy. I want that! I want someone to worry about how I feel every minute, make the first move, think about how I'll react to their choices and what might make ME happy. It's not so much to ask. It really isn't. Because if you're head over heels in love with someone's soul, you want them to be happy every minute. Every single minute. I want someone to want me to be happy every single minute.

I don't want to be lonely. I want to get everything in life - love, adventure, theatre, performance, music, fun. I want it all. I want to try everything I can possibly think of - everything I think might bring me the tiniest bit of joy. And yes, I do want someone around who wants to share that with me. It's not weak. It's hopeful. And I have felt love. I have. I want that - but with someone who loves everything about me - even the fact that I like proper grammar and I need someone to get my ass off the couch and I LOVE shitty movies like MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus and I want to spend time with my friends - together and I want to DANCE! By myself, with friends, with my one person. I want it all.

And I'm going to get it all. It's going to happen for me, and I'm going to make it happen. Everything I've been doing in the past few years is going towards this goal of happiness and passion and love. It's going to happen.