Let's get some of this out of my brain. There is a roller coaster happening right now. How can I wake up in the morning with a beautiful feeling of gratitude and love, and then one or two knocks later, I'm in a hole of anger, frustration and the strong desire to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone?

No, not everyone shares my desire for a clean kitchen, at least one sink (of two) that doesn't have dishes in it.  No, not everyone thinks that when you spill water on the floor, it is disgusting to wipe it up with the same cloth towel that you use to dry dishes.  No, not everyone thinks it is unfair to throw a party and then suggest that the roommates should really have some cleaning time to clean up after "our" mess.  No, not everyone thinks that when you borrow someone's appliance (coffee maker, waffle maker, microwave) that it is important to clean it so that person knows that you respect them sharing their things with you.

And no, not all people know to use their words to tell you "I am frustrated with how long it is taking to get brunch together" - or know how to avoid getting angry and causing a scene and making me feel like shit for something that wasn't my fault.

Everyone is coming from a different place.  My frustration needs a better home than festering in the pit of my stomach.  I took some of it out on the mountain of dishes I did this morning and the counters I washed.  I am letting some of is slip away by watching my kitten snooze on the dragonfly chair I got from Grammy.

But every time I think about my friends or roommates, I am immediately angered again.

Every time I think about my family, I am also angered.  How do they not think about me as much as I think about them?  How does my mother think it's okay to answer the phone by telling me what horrible timing I have that I called her when she was at dinner (when, if I called her any other time, she wouldn't have picked up).  I'm so sorry it is such an inconvenience to ever hear from your daughter.  And seriously, how do they think it's okay to tell me to "just get over it".  They are my family, and we are one of the most loving families around - until now.  I'm not going to just get over it or just suck it up.  Ridiculous.  I am so angry about this, it is ridiculous.

The friend anger has to be just building on that anger. I should be angry at work, not friends.  I should have more going on in my life that makes me happy so this stuff can just roll off my back. I should take steps to get my ass out of this job.  I should suck it up long enough to get two more bonuses.  MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

I want things to to be happy all of the time.  I don't think I'll ever get over that. I'm definitely going to need to leave my job for that to be remotely possible.

I also really miss dating someone.  The fact that human beings need 8 hugs a day to have the oxytocin levels necessary to be a "good person"...is really hitting home right now.

And seriously, James?  You think I'm going to stick around to see you in December after what you put me through?  BULLSHIT.  That is BULLSHIT. You came home for your sister's wedding planning to stay with me all weekend.  You blew me off. You said you would come to a wedding.  You blew me off.  You said you would come down for my birthday.  You blew me off. You said you could meet me up north for Halloween.  YOU BLEW ME OFF. Why do you think you deserve to spend any time with me?  Here's the thing.  You don't.  You don't deserve me.

Here's the other thing.  I still miss you.  Ass.  Ridiculous.  For that matter, I still miss Kyle (knowing that we should never, ever get back together).

So, I think that means I need to start dating.  I need to meet someone who has the romance, the kisses, the amazing sex, and the youthful energy to try anything from James with the stability, earnest caring, warmth and wonderful boyfriend skills of Kyle.  That's my new plan.  I, of course, had to go to both ends of the spectrum to realize this.  Good god, you all.

But I don't want to date until I move to NYC.  This is stupid.  I am in a holding pattern of hating my job, not seeing my family, and not dating anyone (while living with roommates) until I leave.

How do I make this better?  What is the answer??

More exercise.  More fun.  LESS WORK.  Other than that, I don't know.

2 cups of coffee
Oatmeal
Candy
Milk
More Oatmeal

Receiving offers for jobs in Madison
Groupon for 2 unlimited months of yoga
Crafting/Cleaning/Champagne nights with roomies plus MJ planned
Surprise party planned!
Groupon for Ragstock ($25 for $2)
I was brave and auditioned for a part that was unlikely.

Grumpy every day recently?  Unacceptable.  Today starts my happy countdown to NYC - since it's 20 days away, I have developed a list of love...the top 20 things I'm looking forward to while we perform at FringeNYC and frolic around that big, beautiful city!

#20: Traveling with some of my favorite people in Madison theatre.  That is going to be one entertaining plane ride.
#19: Visiting NYC in the SUMMER instead of while it is freezing cold like the last two times.  Much smarter.
#18: Knowing where I'm going this time on the subway.  I plan to act like a true New Yorker...even though I'll still be a Midwest girl on the inside.  My greatest performance, yet!
#17: Bunking in brownstones with a bunch of zombies. Cuddle puddles! Plus, peanut butter and jelly for everyone means we can afford to go to more shows!
#16: Sights and sounds of the city.  Street performers, national landmarks, and people-watching that could entertain for days.
#15: Meandering through the park on a gorgeous summer day appreciating how lucky I am to be part of this cast and entire production. I will definitely be planning at least one picnic in Central Park. Citizens of Z-Town, you are all invited.
#14: Musical Theatre night at Splash!  Seeing all the industry folks singing amazing songs...maybe trying one with a zombie or two.  :)
#13: Random celebrity sightings.  Then acting like it's no big deal.
#12: Silly souvenirs. Instead of I <3 NY t-shirts, finding some quirky little thing in a hole-in-the-wall shop that will remind me of the entire experience.
#11: Finding the fun free things to do in the city.  Museums, walking tours, FAO Schwarz, sightseeing, window shopping, playing with zombies.  :)
#10: The ocean!! Living in the middle of the country, I plan to appreciate being so close!
#9: Seeing the beautiful Courtney Selstad on her turf in NYC and celebrating her birthday! 
#8: Being the chick with the crazy-wild hair that people look at (for a good reason). I'm pretty psyched about the 'do I'll be rockin' for this show!
#7: Rockin' the TKTS booth to find tickets to a show that, back in January, I never imagined I'd get to see this summer.
#6: Getting to know the theatre district.  We're performing in a well-established Off-Broadway theatre area in Greenwich.  I want to get to know my way around!  :)
#5: Dude. It's New York. We have at least 4 entire days with nothing to do but live it up.
#4: Getting my second tattoo (that I have been planning for years) from some swanky artist in the city!  Best souvenir ever.
#3: Going to drop-in classes at Broadway Dance Center with the Dance Fabulous crowd!  And planning how those I <3 NYC shot glasses will be put to good use when we get back.
#2: Seeing Into The Woods in the park with Amy Adams, Donna Murphy, and more!
#1: Performing for the first time in New York effing City!  NYCFringe, here we come!!

Though I have been working recently on becoming more fit and healthy, I am always primarily working on being happy, appreciative, and joyful (hence the name you see in the URL line of this blog).  As such, I want to document the joy that was this weekend.  If I can duplicate weekends like this more often, I will be a happy girl.

Friday, I got to carpool to work with my best friend/music director/now roommate/landlord.  Thank goodness, because the air conditioning in my car was out.  We got to leave work a little early because our other friend was getting engaged.  We got to be there to see it happen!  So exciting.  At Barrique's, we had a couple beers, heard toasts, gave hugs, and then I thought I was going to have a quiet evening in watching Buffy and relaxing from a very long week.  Nope.

The mixing of our zombie cast recording was happening that night, and Meghan invited me to come hang out with her while she and our very talented recording engineer mixed it down.  Finding her to be a bit more tipsy than would generally allow safe driving, I offered to drive her home.  At the same time, another dear friend was asking me to come out downtown since I hadn't seen her in awhile.  Why not? :)

So Meghan, Brian, and I all scurried along downtown to the new Paul's Club to meet with Sheilah and friends.  Free drinks, lots of stories and laughter, and some fun talk about possibly making it in the musical theatre biz, and we had a delightful evening on our hands.  At the end of the night, I drove a happily drunk Meghan home, fulfilling my duty as friend and roommate.  :)

The next morning, all were alive and feeling fine, and it was the morning of the former roomie potato party!  Gilmore Girls and mashed potatoes with Ashley and Kelly!  With snacks and soda and potatoes galore, it was wonderful few hours of fun.  I got to hear a lot of crazy stories from Kelly (having not seen her in probably years, there was a lot to catch up on), and we watched lots of nostalgic GG episodes.

After that, I took Meghan to retrieve her car, and of course, it was time for Behind the Music: Christina Aguilera.  Inspired, Meghan sat down to the piano and immediately taught herself to play Beautiful.  Then, she went on to write something else equally fantastic...I hope she wrote it down.  Corey and Meghan took naps after that, and it was time for some fun with James.

We ordered in Chinese food, watched Buffy, and there was snuggling and kissing and happiness.  I definitely sleep better when being spooned.  Simple facts of life.

This morning, there was coffee, leftover fried tofu, joking around with the boys before Meghan woke up, and plans for hanging out with other zombie friends and Buffy later

I've been having a really great weekend.  I don't remember the last time I was this happy - though, I do know a couple things that could make me happier.  ;)

I simply wanted to transcribe these events to help me remember that, even though 2012 has been a challenging year, there have definitely been beautiful moments of pure happiness.  This whole weekend has been one of those happy times.

Now...time for a little daydreaming...some happy thoughts...perhaps a nap...

Finding joy!
`C

It's working.

My plan is still going.  I've made it through my third week of boot camp.  I've lost 5 pounds, and though I haven't been tracking them, I really feel like I'm losing inches.  I look smaller even if I don't weigh less.  I've continued to go to Dance Fabulous twice a week even with 3 days/week of boot camp!  I spent a full week at yoga, and I just bought a Groupon for two unlimited months of yoga.

It's working.

I've decided that, no, I can't cut out beer.  It's something that I enjoy, and I don't like depriving myself.  This simply means that I need to cut those calories out of other areas of my life.  Like breakfast, for example.  No junk.  Either fruit or oatmeal (or both!) for breakfast.  Lunch, I've been eating Veggie Lean Cuisines - lots of veggies, some vegetarian protein, and pretty filling!  Dinner has been a mixed bag.  I confess, I've had pizza more than once in the last 3 weeks.  But it's a work in progress!

8 days until rehearsals start for Love. Death. Brains.  Then I'll be doing boot camp, dance class, dance rehearsals, AND yoga!  That's when the fun really starts.  :)

The energy I'm getting from all this exercise is extraordinarily apparent.  I just spent two solid hours running around like a maniac cleaning my apartment.  Looks pretty good, if I do say so myself.  My little monster cat is digging how clean his little kitty area is.  Clean cat box.  Clean food dishes.  Clean play area.  Lucky duck.  I spoil the crap out of that little monster.

Today - I try not to make a fool of myself as I attend an area music awards show and then see a pretty boy at a party.  Besides the obvious goal of getting fit to perform in a musical in NYC, I'm hoping my hard work has other side benefits...

Happy Weekend!
`C

Yesterday was great.  Two hours of yoga.  Yes, I had candy at work, but I didn't eat junk after work.  I went to sleep feeling peaceful, stretched, and ready for today.

Because today, was Day 1 of Bootcamp!  45 minutes of insanity.  Did I think I would survive the 3 pushups - plank - 5 pushups - plank - 8 pushups - plank - 5 pushups - plank - 3 pushups - plank series?  No, I did not.  Did I survive the who thing?  Yes, I did.

Now - to work.  Where I will take breaks for yoga because I now know why my back has been so ruddy sore.  Thanks, working at a desk!  But just you wait.  Strengthening my back muscles will beat you, yet!

With positivity,
`C

Okay.  Here's the new plan.

Bootcamp.
Yoga.
Dance Fabulous.
Love. Death. Brains.
Fringe.
Next to Normal.
Adventure with Shawna.
Christmas bonus.
WI Theatre auditions.
TCUTA.
Audition EVERYWHERE.

Pay off my debt.  Don't be stupid with money.  Don't live outside my means.  Get the bonuses that I should have gotten long ago.  Get huge security deposit back this summer. 

LOVE IT.

So.

Today didn't go exactly as planned, but I survived.  It was a class of two people, so to keep the feeling informal, I trained most of the class from my chair.

I took the elevator at least once...and the escalator, too.

I had a Shelldon (a vegetarian Reuben), fries with ranch, and I tried to have a piece of pie.  The pie was so awful that I was then compelled to purchase bakery-style (meaning large) frosted sugar cookies.  I also had a Three Musketeers bar on the way to dinner.  Why?  Because I saw homemade Three Musketeers bars on Pinterest, and that gave me a mad craving for them.  I don't think I had ever craved a Three Musketeers bar in my life.

I weigh 194 pounds.  At my heaviest, I weighed 207 pounds.  I'm on my way down.  I'm not in the shape that I need to be for musical theatre, and I'm not at my healthiest weight for my height.

This is the before.

August will be the after.

No excuses this time.

An opportunity knocks...

I have a new goal.  I've been cast in a leading role in a brilliant new musical, and I want to be in fighting musical theatre shape by the time it hits the stage.

I have under 3 months.

I am continuing dance classes.  I have signed up for a bootcamp fitness class.  I am returning to yoga.

I am changing the way I think about eating.  If it's free at work, no I do not need to have one.  Deprivation doesn't work for me either - it's moderation.  Yes, I'm allowed to have dairy.  I am also allowed to have bread.  Should I have beer more than one night a week?  Probably not.

So here it is.  Day 1 of my journey to Musical Theatre Fitness.  I have an end goal, and I most certainly have obvious rewards if I am successful.

Today - I am training all day.  I will be up and moving around.  I took the stairs, not an elevator everywhere I went.  I am having pie, but that was a pre-arranged date.  I will not have other junk food today.

I will also buy the weights I need to start my bootcamp on Monday.  Then, I will have a heartwarming hangout with my friend and fitness buddy where we talk strategies.

Here we go...

Dreams

I still want to be a Radio City Rockette. Despite being only 5' 3", I still cling to the idea that I might be able to achieve this dream even though I know that it is an impossibility.

Impossible dreams are my specialty.

I want to be on Broadway.

I want to be paid to do what I love every minute.

I want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks all the time about what will make me happy - makes an effort to be a step ahead for birthdays, holidays - comes up with little ways to surprise me. I want to date someone who thinks like I think. I want someone who loves like I love.

These are the things I want.

I will find them. I know I will.

Turbulence

I hate flying. Sometimes I'm not sure why I hate it so much, but when I focus...break it down...think about what goes into the fear, I realize. I'm afraid of dying. I'm especially afraid of dying alone, on a plane, without someone I love. I feel that there is something I'm supposed to accomplish in this life, and I'm still unsure what that is.

Theatre is one place where I don't think about death. There are so few moments when I don't think about death. Since I was 17. Since Kevin. I haven't had a dream about him in months - maybe years. I don't think I remember his voice. I barely remember his mannerisms. He's been dead far longer than I knew him. And yet, his death is probably the defining moment of my life. It has what caused me to fear death. It was what spurs me on to find joy. It is what gave me the strength to leave two unhappy relationships.

I'm looking for pure joy.

Sometimes I see it. I see it in unexpected kindness (a batch of caramel bars from a new friend at work to celebrate the completion of a cleanse, a friend following me from work to Car-X to make sure I made it there alive in a blizzard when my car broke down).

Is it possible to have a life of pure joy? Or are these joys so spectacular because they have been entirely surrounded by the stress of this job, these break-ups, this family upheaval, so much change?

I want unconditional, romantic love. I want someone who thinks about me every minute - I don't want to be the one who always makes the first move, always thinks about the other person and how they feel and how they might react to anything and what might bring them joy. I want that! I want someone to worry about how I feel every minute, make the first move, think about how I'll react to their choices and what might make ME happy. It's not so much to ask. It really isn't. Because if you're head over heels in love with someone's soul, you want them to be happy every minute. Every single minute. I want someone to want me to be happy every single minute.

I don't want to be lonely. I want to get everything in life - love, adventure, theatre, performance, music, fun. I want it all. I want to try everything I can possibly think of - everything I think might bring me the tiniest bit of joy. And yes, I do want someone around who wants to share that with me. It's not weak. It's hopeful. And I have felt love. I have. I want that - but with someone who loves everything about me - even the fact that I like proper grammar and I need someone to get my ass off the couch and I LOVE shitty movies like MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus and I want to spend time with my friends - together and I want to DANCE! By myself, with friends, with my one person. I want it all.

And I'm going to get it all. It's going to happen for me, and I'm going to make it happen. Everything I've been doing in the past few years is going towards this goal of happiness and passion and love. It's going to happen.