Let's get some of this out of my brain. There is a roller coaster happening right now. How can I wake up in the morning with a beautiful feeling of gratitude and love, and then one or two knocks later, I'm in a hole of anger, frustration and the strong desire to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone?

No, not everyone shares my desire for a clean kitchen, at least one sink (of two) that doesn't have dishes in it.  No, not everyone thinks that when you spill water on the floor, it is disgusting to wipe it up with the same cloth towel that you use to dry dishes.  No, not everyone thinks it is unfair to throw a party and then suggest that the roommates should really have some cleaning time to clean up after "our" mess.  No, not everyone thinks that when you borrow someone's appliance (coffee maker, waffle maker, microwave) that it is important to clean it so that person knows that you respect them sharing their things with you.

And no, not all people know to use their words to tell you "I am frustrated with how long it is taking to get brunch together" - or know how to avoid getting angry and causing a scene and making me feel like shit for something that wasn't my fault.

Everyone is coming from a different place.  My frustration needs a better home than festering in the pit of my stomach.  I took some of it out on the mountain of dishes I did this morning and the counters I washed.  I am letting some of is slip away by watching my kitten snooze on the dragonfly chair I got from Grammy.

But every time I think about my friends or roommates, I am immediately angered again.

Every time I think about my family, I am also angered.  How do they not think about me as much as I think about them?  How does my mother think it's okay to answer the phone by telling me what horrible timing I have that I called her when she was at dinner (when, if I called her any other time, she wouldn't have picked up).  I'm so sorry it is such an inconvenience to ever hear from your daughter.  And seriously, how do they think it's okay to tell me to "just get over it".  They are my family, and we are one of the most loving families around - until now.  I'm not going to just get over it or just suck it up.  Ridiculous.  I am so angry about this, it is ridiculous.

The friend anger has to be just building on that anger. I should be angry at work, not friends.  I should have more going on in my life that makes me happy so this stuff can just roll off my back. I should take steps to get my ass out of this job.  I should suck it up long enough to get two more bonuses.  MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

I want things to to be happy all of the time.  I don't think I'll ever get over that. I'm definitely going to need to leave my job for that to be remotely possible.

I also really miss dating someone.  The fact that human beings need 8 hugs a day to have the oxytocin levels necessary to be a "good person"...is really hitting home right now.

And seriously, James?  You think I'm going to stick around to see you in December after what you put me through?  BULLSHIT.  That is BULLSHIT. You came home for your sister's wedding planning to stay with me all weekend.  You blew me off. You said you would come to a wedding.  You blew me off.  You said you would come down for my birthday.  You blew me off. You said you could meet me up north for Halloween.  YOU BLEW ME OFF. Why do you think you deserve to spend any time with me?  Here's the thing.  You don't.  You don't deserve me.

Here's the other thing.  I still miss you.  Ass.  Ridiculous.  For that matter, I still miss Kyle (knowing that we should never, ever get back together).

So, I think that means I need to start dating.  I need to meet someone who has the romance, the kisses, the amazing sex, and the youthful energy to try anything from James with the stability, earnest caring, warmth and wonderful boyfriend skills of Kyle.  That's my new plan.  I, of course, had to go to both ends of the spectrum to realize this.  Good god, you all.

But I don't want to date until I move to NYC.  This is stupid.  I am in a holding pattern of hating my job, not seeing my family, and not dating anyone (while living with roommates) until I leave.

How do I make this better?  What is the answer??

More exercise.  More fun.  LESS WORK.  Other than that, I don't know.