Today is the day I move to New York City. This is a day I have contemplated since I first realized I wanted to be a performer. This is a day I have daydreamed about and dreaded. A new adventure. Also leaving a home of 10 years. While driving around this morning, I realized that I will miss a lot about Madison - but I do know that it is the time for change and new challenges.

What is in store for me? Adventures in subletting, New York dance studios, speed dating with Sarah, auditions, finding a job in a 6 million person city...it's going to be crazy.

I need to take the advice of the lovely Jessica J - stay being yourself. The city will eat you up, but if you walk like you know where you're going, remember where you came from, and remember who you are - you'll do just fine.

I have 4 hours to do laundry and pack up my entire life. I guess I better get started.

Let's get some of this out of my brain. There is a roller coaster happening right now. How can I wake up in the morning with a beautiful feeling of gratitude and love, and then one or two knocks later, I'm in a hole of anger, frustration and the strong desire to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone?

No, not everyone shares my desire for a clean kitchen, at least one sink (of two) that doesn't have dishes in it.  No, not everyone thinks that when you spill water on the floor, it is disgusting to wipe it up with the same cloth towel that you use to dry dishes.  No, not everyone thinks it is unfair to throw a party and then suggest that the roommates should really have some cleaning time to clean up after "our" mess.  No, not everyone thinks that when you borrow someone's appliance (coffee maker, waffle maker, microwave) that it is important to clean it so that person knows that you respect them sharing their things with you.

And no, not all people know to use their words to tell you "I am frustrated with how long it is taking to get brunch together" - or know how to avoid getting angry and causing a scene and making me feel like shit for something that wasn't my fault.

Everyone is coming from a different place.  My frustration needs a better home than festering in the pit of my stomach.  I took some of it out on the mountain of dishes I did this morning and the counters I washed.  I am letting some of is slip away by watching my kitten snooze on the dragonfly chair I got from Grammy.

But every time I think about my friends or roommates, I am immediately angered again.

Every time I think about my family, I am also angered.  How do they not think about me as much as I think about them?  How does my mother think it's okay to answer the phone by telling me what horrible timing I have that I called her when she was at dinner (when, if I called her any other time, she wouldn't have picked up).  I'm so sorry it is such an inconvenience to ever hear from your daughter.  And seriously, how do they think it's okay to tell me to "just get over it".  They are my family, and we are one of the most loving families around - until now.  I'm not going to just get over it or just suck it up.  Ridiculous.  I am so angry about this, it is ridiculous.

The friend anger has to be just building on that anger. I should be angry at work, not friends.  I should have more going on in my life that makes me happy so this stuff can just roll off my back. I should take steps to get my ass out of this job.  I should suck it up long enough to get two more bonuses.  MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

I want things to to be happy all of the time.  I don't think I'll ever get over that. I'm definitely going to need to leave my job for that to be remotely possible.

I also really miss dating someone.  The fact that human beings need 8 hugs a day to have the oxytocin levels necessary to be a "good person"...is really hitting home right now.

And seriously, James?  You think I'm going to stick around to see you in December after what you put me through?  BULLSHIT.  That is BULLSHIT. You came home for your sister's wedding planning to stay with me all weekend.  You blew me off. You said you would come to a wedding.  You blew me off.  You said you would come down for my birthday.  You blew me off. You said you could meet me up north for Halloween.  YOU BLEW ME OFF. Why do you think you deserve to spend any time with me?  Here's the thing.  You don't.  You don't deserve me.

Here's the other thing.  I still miss you.  Ass.  Ridiculous.  For that matter, I still miss Kyle (knowing that we should never, ever get back together).

So, I think that means I need to start dating.  I need to meet someone who has the romance, the kisses, the amazing sex, and the youthful energy to try anything from James with the stability, earnest caring, warmth and wonderful boyfriend skills of Kyle.  That's my new plan.  I, of course, had to go to both ends of the spectrum to realize this.  Good god, you all.

But I don't want to date until I move to NYC.  This is stupid.  I am in a holding pattern of hating my job, not seeing my family, and not dating anyone (while living with roommates) until I leave.

How do I make this better?  What is the answer??

More exercise.  More fun.  LESS WORK.  Other than that, I don't know.

2 cups of coffee
Oatmeal
Candy
Milk
More Oatmeal

Receiving offers for jobs in Madison
Groupon for 2 unlimited months of yoga
Crafting/Cleaning/Champagne nights with roomies plus MJ planned
Surprise party planned!
Groupon for Ragstock ($25 for $2)
I was brave and auditioned for a part that was unlikely.

Grumpy every day recently?  Unacceptable.  Today starts my happy countdown to NYC - since it's 20 days away, I have developed a list of love...the top 20 things I'm looking forward to while we perform at FringeNYC and frolic around that big, beautiful city!

#20: Traveling with some of my favorite people in Madison theatre.  That is going to be one entertaining plane ride.
#19: Visiting NYC in the SUMMER instead of while it is freezing cold like the last two times.  Much smarter.
#18: Knowing where I'm going this time on the subway.  I plan to act like a true New Yorker...even though I'll still be a Midwest girl on the inside.  My greatest performance, yet!
#17: Bunking in brownstones with a bunch of zombies. Cuddle puddles! Plus, peanut butter and jelly for everyone means we can afford to go to more shows!
#16: Sights and sounds of the city.  Street performers, national landmarks, and people-watching that could entertain for days.
#15: Meandering through the park on a gorgeous summer day appreciating how lucky I am to be part of this cast and entire production. I will definitely be planning at least one picnic in Central Park. Citizens of Z-Town, you are all invited.
#14: Musical Theatre night at Splash!  Seeing all the industry folks singing amazing songs...maybe trying one with a zombie or two.  :)
#13: Random celebrity sightings.  Then acting like it's no big deal.
#12: Silly souvenirs. Instead of I <3 NY t-shirts, finding some quirky little thing in a hole-in-the-wall shop that will remind me of the entire experience.
#11: Finding the fun free things to do in the city.  Museums, walking tours, FAO Schwarz, sightseeing, window shopping, playing with zombies.  :)
#10: The ocean!! Living in the middle of the country, I plan to appreciate being so close!
#9: Seeing the beautiful Courtney Selstad on her turf in NYC and celebrating her birthday! 
#8: Being the chick with the crazy-wild hair that people look at (for a good reason). I'm pretty psyched about the 'do I'll be rockin' for this show!
#7: Rockin' the TKTS booth to find tickets to a show that, back in January, I never imagined I'd get to see this summer.
#6: Getting to know the theatre district.  We're performing in a well-established Off-Broadway theatre area in Greenwich.  I want to get to know my way around!  :)
#5: Dude. It's New York. We have at least 4 entire days with nothing to do but live it up.
#4: Getting my second tattoo (that I have been planning for years) from some swanky artist in the city!  Best souvenir ever.
#3: Going to drop-in classes at Broadway Dance Center with the Dance Fabulous crowd!  And planning how those I <3 NYC shot glasses will be put to good use when we get back.
#2: Seeing Into The Woods in the park with Amy Adams, Donna Murphy, and more!
#1: Performing for the first time in New York effing City!  NYCFringe, here we come!!

Though I have been working recently on becoming more fit and healthy, I am always primarily working on being happy, appreciative, and joyful (hence the name you see in the URL line of this blog).  As such, I want to document the joy that was this weekend.  If I can duplicate weekends like this more often, I will be a happy girl.

Friday, I got to carpool to work with my best friend/music director/now roommate/landlord.  Thank goodness, because the air conditioning in my car was out.  We got to leave work a little early because our other friend was getting engaged.  We got to be there to see it happen!  So exciting.  At Barrique's, we had a couple beers, heard toasts, gave hugs, and then I thought I was going to have a quiet evening in watching Buffy and relaxing from a very long week.  Nope.

The mixing of our zombie cast recording was happening that night, and Meghan invited me to come hang out with her while she and our very talented recording engineer mixed it down.  Finding her to be a bit more tipsy than would generally allow safe driving, I offered to drive her home.  At the same time, another dear friend was asking me to come out downtown since I hadn't seen her in awhile.  Why not? :)

So Meghan, Brian, and I all scurried along downtown to the new Paul's Club to meet with Sheilah and friends.  Free drinks, lots of stories and laughter, and some fun talk about possibly making it in the musical theatre biz, and we had a delightful evening on our hands.  At the end of the night, I drove a happily drunk Meghan home, fulfilling my duty as friend and roommate.  :)

The next morning, all were alive and feeling fine, and it was the morning of the former roomie potato party!  Gilmore Girls and mashed potatoes with Ashley and Kelly!  With snacks and soda and potatoes galore, it was wonderful few hours of fun.  I got to hear a lot of crazy stories from Kelly (having not seen her in probably years, there was a lot to catch up on), and we watched lots of nostalgic GG episodes.

After that, I took Meghan to retrieve her car, and of course, it was time for Behind the Music: Christina Aguilera.  Inspired, Meghan sat down to the piano and immediately taught herself to play Beautiful.  Then, she went on to write something else equally fantastic...I hope she wrote it down.  Corey and Meghan took naps after that, and it was time for some fun with James.

We ordered in Chinese food, watched Buffy, and there was snuggling and kissing and happiness.  I definitely sleep better when being spooned.  Simple facts of life.

This morning, there was coffee, leftover fried tofu, joking around with the boys before Meghan woke up, and plans for hanging out with other zombie friends and Buffy later

I've been having a really great weekend.  I don't remember the last time I was this happy - though, I do know a couple things that could make me happier.  ;)

I simply wanted to transcribe these events to help me remember that, even though 2012 has been a challenging year, there have definitely been beautiful moments of pure happiness.  This whole weekend has been one of those happy times.

Now...time for a little daydreaming...some happy thoughts...perhaps a nap...

Finding joy!
`C

It's working.

My plan is still going.  I've made it through my third week of boot camp.  I've lost 5 pounds, and though I haven't been tracking them, I really feel like I'm losing inches.  I look smaller even if I don't weigh less.  I've continued to go to Dance Fabulous twice a week even with 3 days/week of boot camp!  I spent a full week at yoga, and I just bought a Groupon for two unlimited months of yoga.

It's working.

I've decided that, no, I can't cut out beer.  It's something that I enjoy, and I don't like depriving myself.  This simply means that I need to cut those calories out of other areas of my life.  Like breakfast, for example.  No junk.  Either fruit or oatmeal (or both!) for breakfast.  Lunch, I've been eating Veggie Lean Cuisines - lots of veggies, some vegetarian protein, and pretty filling!  Dinner has been a mixed bag.  I confess, I've had pizza more than once in the last 3 weeks.  But it's a work in progress!

8 days until rehearsals start for Love. Death. Brains.  Then I'll be doing boot camp, dance class, dance rehearsals, AND yoga!  That's when the fun really starts.  :)

The energy I'm getting from all this exercise is extraordinarily apparent.  I just spent two solid hours running around like a maniac cleaning my apartment.  Looks pretty good, if I do say so myself.  My little monster cat is digging how clean his little kitty area is.  Clean cat box.  Clean food dishes.  Clean play area.  Lucky duck.  I spoil the crap out of that little monster.

Today - I try not to make a fool of myself as I attend an area music awards show and then see a pretty boy at a party.  Besides the obvious goal of getting fit to perform in a musical in NYC, I'm hoping my hard work has other side benefits...

Happy Weekend!
`C

Yesterday was great.  Two hours of yoga.  Yes, I had candy at work, but I didn't eat junk after work.  I went to sleep feeling peaceful, stretched, and ready for today.

Because today, was Day 1 of Bootcamp!  45 minutes of insanity.  Did I think I would survive the 3 pushups - plank - 5 pushups - plank - 8 pushups - plank - 5 pushups - plank - 3 pushups - plank series?  No, I did not.  Did I survive the who thing?  Yes, I did.

Now - to work.  Where I will take breaks for yoga because I now know why my back has been so ruddy sore.  Thanks, working at a desk!  But just you wait.  Strengthening my back muscles will beat you, yet!

With positivity,
`C